Ron vs John
by foolofatook9
Summary: A short, plotless ficlet about Ron's efforts to win Hermione's affections back from none other than... John Mayor, guitarist extraordinaire! Includes songs by a desperate Ron… hehe


**Ron vs. John By Aderyn820**

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter or John Mayor.  
  
Songs: 'I've Got No Mail,'; 'Don't Know Why You're Mad,'; 'I Don't Think You Do,'; 'Why,'; 'You and Me,'; 'You Suck,'; 'Bye-Bye John,' copyright: Aderyn820, June, 2004  
  
A.N: OK. This fanfic is horribly mean. I'm warning you now, it's just mean. I was sitting around, listening to John Mayor's Heavier Things CD, and I was trying to come up with a song fic, and here's what I got instead. Like I said, it's mean. But just so you know, I love John Mayor, I really do, so anything Ron says about him is totally not my opinion, I'm just bored and hyper, and my internet is down, so I don't have anything else to do.

* * *

**RON VS JOHN**  
  
It's kind of naïve to think that your first girlfriend is going to be your _only_ girlfriend. Most guys hope that's not true anyway.  
  
But I don't know about me. I really like Hermione, you know? And on top of that, I've known her for a lot of my life... and life would be totally weird without her, but if she wasn't my girlfriend any more... what _would _she be? I mean, the whole 'let's just be friends' thing never works. Besides, Hermione and I were _never_ very much good at being friends anyway.  
  
This is silly. I need to get up and get dressed. I have Charms in 10 minutes and I haven't got the time to brood on Hermione. But I think she wants to break up with me or something. She's been really weird lately.  
  
I don't even know why I'm writing this down. Got kind of bored, found a spare piece of parchment, I'm just writing for lack of better things to do, I guess.  
  
Did I mention that Hermione spends all her free time these days staring at pictures and listening to Seedies on her Seedy player? And the pictures and the Seedies all have to do with this bloody American git called John Mayor. I mean... _puh-lease_. What a stupid name. And what ever happened to spending time with me, her _boyfriend_? I mean, at least I'm kind of good-looking, which is more than I can say for this John guy. I mean, _seriously_. What is it with Hermione and hideously disfigured celebrities?  
  
OK, so he's not exactly hideously disfigured, but come on. She can do better. Like me. I am _so_ much better. But I do wish she would shut up about him once in a while.  
  
Anyway. I'm still bored. Writing all this down isn't helping. Well, it kinda is, but not really. But I just thought of something that would be a lot more fun: Skipping Charms to flush stuff down the boys' toilets. Maybe this parchment'll go down with Hermione's autographed picture of John Mayor (Yeah, okay, I nicked it, so _what_?).  
  
::::::  
  
Ok, so I didn't flush this paper. And I didn't flush the stupid stationary picture of John either. I gave it back to Hermione instead. I felt kinda guilty, and I was thinking: _Oh, Merlin, what if she finds out I took it?_ So I gave it back to her. I didn't tell her I stole it, but I think she figured it out because she slapped me. And what other reason would she have to slap me than if she knew I'd stolen her beloved autograph?  
  
It kinda hurt too. I mean it. That girl hits hard. I hope she hit Malfoy this hard when she slapped him back in third year. I hope she hit him _harder_. I really do.  
  
So now Hermione is really pissed off at me, and I am sitting alone in the boys' dormitory writing in a _diary_. Not a really a diary, I guess. But I am writing about what just happened and how I _feel_ about it. Guys are not supposed to do this. Maybe that's why Hermione likes John Mayor better than me. Because he is not a sissy idiot who keeps a _diary_. But I've read all the words to his songs, and they're not exactly 'macho'. Hermione says he's sensitive and she finds that really sweet. She also says that _I_ am the most insensitive wart she has ever met. Does that mean she doesn't think I'm sweet? And if she doesn't think I'm 'sweet' why is she going out with me? Oh Merlin, she's definitely going to dump me.  
  
Maybe... I should die my hair black... find a way to make my freckles disappear... learn to play the guitar and start writing a bunch of crappy music. Maybe _then_ Hermione would pay more attention to me, because I _will_ be just like her idol, after all. Yes, that's the thing to do.  
  
Merlin, I'm pathetic.  
  
::::::  
  
I wrote a song. I'll record it here so that one day, when I'm a really old bloke... like Dumbledore, I can read this and laugh my bloody knickers off.  
  
I'VE GOT NO MAIL  
  
What should I be  
  
To make you see  
  
How much I really do  
  
Care about you  
  
I've tried everything  
  
From flowers to Drooble's Best Blowing Gum  
  
But you still like him better  
  
After all, you sent him a letter  
  
Why don't you send me mail?  
  
This is what I fail  
  
To see  
  
How could love him more than you love me?  
  
This I crazy,  
  
Don't tell me, I know  
  
I just wish I could show  
  
You the kind of things I just can't express  
  
And I know this song isn't the best  
  
So what?  
  
It should still matter more than all the rest  
  
Of anything he's ever done  
  
Let's go out and have some fun  
  
Why don't you send me mail?  
  
This is what I fail  
  
To see  
  
How you could love him more than you love me?  
  
I would send you mail  
  
If you asked me to  
  
Or maybe I wouldn't  
  
I probably won't  
  
But can't we just give it a try?  
  
Why don't you send me mail?  
  
Yeah, so that's it. I wonder if she'll like it. I kind of _borrowed_ some second year kid's guitar (with no intention of giving it back, of course. But since he doesn't know I'm the one who has it anyway, I think the chances of him turning me in are very minimal. And if he does find out and try to rat me out, I'll just have to kill him. No big deal) and so I'm working on guitar notes for the song. Which is kind of hard, because I don't even think I'm holding this thing right.  
  
::::  
  
Decided the song sounds better without music, but I'm not sure that's John Mayor-ish enough for Hermione. This really sucks. Wrote another song. I think I'm getting the hang of this. Sort of. Not really.  
  
DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAD  
  
He's a million miles away  
  
But I'm right here  
  
You can have him never  
  
But you can have me today  
  
If I were you  
  
I know who I'd choose  
  
But if I were you it'd be weird  
  
Because I'd be going out with myself ...um... eww  
  
I don't why you're mad  
  
I decided not to flush his ugly face  
  
So everything's okay  
  
I wish we still had what we had  
  
He's too old anyway  
  
He's almost thirty  
  
Isn't he?  
  
I'm not even 17 yet, okay?  
  
I mean, really, who is better?  
  
John, who's white and pasty  
  
And kind of girly too  
  
Or me, a good-looking go-getter?  
  
I don't why you're mad  
  
I decided not to flush his ugly face  
  
So everything's okay  
  
I wish we still had what we had  
  
I wish we still had what we had... (2x)  
  
::::::  
  
Ok, I confess, I stole Hermione's Seedy player. I'm trying to figure out how to work it now. No such luck. What the heck is with this crappy telektrisitee stuff anyway? Don't know why Dad's so fascinated with it. HOW DOES THIS BLOODY THING WORK?????????  
  
::::::  
  
Oh Merlin. I didn't mean to, Honest to Circe I didn't mean to. I just... can't control my temper, you know? Here's what happened:  
  
I was fiddling with the Seedy player, and I was really peeved. I was trying to find the place I was supposed to tap the thing with my wand so that it would work. I tapped the WHOLE bloody thing, and it still didn't work. So... I... I threw the Seedy player. And I think I broke it. Do you realize how bad this is? Oh my gosh I am asking questions to a book. And not just any book. _My bloody diary_.  
  
Could this get any worse?  
  
Hang on, Harry's here. Maybe he can help me.  
  
::::::  
  
Well, it's fixed, I think. And I don't _think_ Harry's going to tell Hermione either. But I dunno, he seemed kind of peeved about the whole thing. He made me go put it right back. And I did. And then I came back and wrote another song.  
  
I DON'T THINK YOU DO  
  
I almost hurt you  
  
Out of desperation  
  
But I didn't have a choice  
  
You have to know that I didn't mean to  
  
Can't you see  
  
I'm going out of my mind  
  
Wondrin'  
  
Do you really love me?  
  
'Cause I don't think you do  
  
I think you like him better  
  
And that's bloody irritating  
  
Just between me and you  
  
It's fazing me  
  
All this crazy stuff  
  
That's going on  
  
Love don't come for free  
  
It's high time  
  
We had a talk  
  
Do you realize how much work it took  
  
For me to make this freaking thing rhyme?  
  
'Cause I don't think you do  
  
I think you like him better  
  
And that's bloody irritating  
  
Just between me and you  
  
I was insane before  
  
But I'm worse now  
  
It's all your fault  
  
What are you doing this to me for?  
  
I know I kind of suck  
  
I can tell  
  
That when you see me,  
  
You think 'Yuck'  
  
And I know that you do  
  
I know you like him better  
  
And that's bloody irritating  
  
Just between me and you  
  
I'm getting kind of good at this, don't you think? Oh Merlin, I asked my _diary _a question again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????  
  
::::::  
  
All I can say is this: Uh-oh. I tried to die my hair black. Not a good idea. I think my fingernails are permanently colored also. Yeah, my hair's black and everything. But I forgot about something. _I HAVE RED EYEBROWS!!!!!_ Why, God? Why did you curse me with red hair? Needless to say, Hermione _hates_ it. I don't blame her. I hate it too. I look nothing like John Mayor. This is not good.  
  
::::::  
  
Wrote another song. But this is for me. Not Hermione.  
  
WHY  
  
Why am I so fricking stupid?  
  
I hate my brain  
  
It's ugly  
  
And not useful at all  
  
I'm not suicidal  
  
But I'm getting  
  
So close it's scary  
  
Don't believe me?  
  
I have been practicing  
  
The killing curse  
  
I killed a spider day before  
  
I'm just kidding  
  
I really am  
  
All I care about  
  
Is one answer to one question:  
  
Why am I so fricking stupid?  
  
I hate my brain  
  
It's ugly  
  
And not useful at all  
  
Why am I so fricking stupid?  
  
I hate my brain  
  
It's ugly  
  
And not useful at all  
  
Why am I so fricking stupid?  
  
I hate my brain  
  
It's ugly  
  
And not useful at all  
  
Why am I so fricking stupid?  
  
Can you tell me?  
  
Can you tell me?  
  
Can anyone at all tell me?  
  
A work of brilliance on my part, I think. Don't you? MERLIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  
  
Oh, I wrote a song for Hermione too, but it's not half as good as the one I wrote for myself. Here goes:  
  
YOU AND ME  
  
You and me  
  
We're really different  
  
But you're the best  
  
Anyway  
  
I like food  
  
And lots of candy  
  
You think books  
  
And quills are really handy  
  
You think house elves should be free  
  
I think they should wait on me  
  
That's just who we happen to be  
  
That's the difference between you and me  
  
Yesterday I sort of bit  
  
My tongue  
  
And you kind of laughed at me  
  
But I still love you  
  
I'm dense, I know it's true  
  
But I'm not too moronic to know  
  
How lucky I am  
  
That I have you  
  
You think house elves should be free  
  
I think they should wait on me  
  
That's just who we happen to be  
  
That's the difference between you and me  
  
I hope this song gets across  
  
How much  
  
I really care  
  
Even though you think you're my boss  
  
So I was thinking  
  
Maybe later  
  
We could go to that Muggle place they call the zoo  
  
And pet the alligators  
  
You think house elves should be free  
  
I think they should wait on me  
  
That's just who we happen to be  
  
That's the difference between you and me  
  
You think house elves should be free  
  
I think they should wait on me  
  
That's just who we happen to be  
  
That's the difference between you and me  
  
So. Yeah. I'm fighting the urge to ask what you think. I will not ask my diary what it thinks of my pathetic musical talent... I will not... Crap, somebody's coming in. They cannot see me writing in a _diary_.  
  
::::::  
  
Today was a good day. Today, I was in the Great Hall, eating breakfast (4 fried eggs, 3 slices of toast, pumpkin juice) and guess who sat beside me, after a whole week of not doing so?  
  
Go on, guess.  
  
Oh, Merlin. Now I have begun to ask my diary to 'guess' things. Inanimate objects cannot guess!  
  
Hermione. Hermione sat next to me. So if you _could_ guess, you would guess that she's not pissed at me about the autograph incident anymore. And I don't think she is. I didn't ask her, of course, because maybe she forgot, and if I remind her, she'll probably be ticked at me again.  
  
She just sat down next to me and was acting like everything is fine. She didn't even make a single nasty comment about my hair (I was able to wash most of the dye out, but I still have a big black streak in my bangs). Of course, who _cares_ about my bloody hair? I mean, the rest of me is so incredibly charming that something a piddly as a black streak can easily be overlooked. You know, sometimes, being a good-looking guy like myself has very good advantages. Hermione says I have an ego the size of Britain. But that's ridiculous because if my ego was the size of Britain, how com can _fit_ on Britain? Hermione says it's because my ego takes up all the space that a my brain is supposed to take up. She also said that John Mayor is so sensitive that his ego is only the size of a sickle, and why can't I be more like him.  
  
_Can't she see that I am bloody trying???_  
  
Wrote a song. Not for Hermione, not for me. For John. Heh.  
  
YOU SUCK  
  
You may not know this  
  
But I do  
  
And if I know something  
  
It's usually pretty hard to miss  
  
But then again  
  
You are John Mayor  
  
And you couldn't get any gayer  
  
Even if you were Malfoy  
  
And guess what, git?  
  
You suck  
  
I know its news to you  
  
But don't have a fit  
  
You wouldn't want your fan girls to see  
  
How you're just  
  
A big baby  
  
And Hermione really loves me  
  
She's all mine  
  
And you can't  
  
Have her  
  
Without you, she's been doing fine  
  
She doesn't need you  
  
I don't like you  
  
So get out of our hair  
  
'Cause nobody cares  
  
And guess what, git?  
  
You suck  
  
I know its news to you  
  
But don't have a fit  
  
You wouldn't want your fan girls to see  
  
How you're just  
  
A big baby  
  
And Hermione really loves me  
  
And guess what, git?  
  
You suck  
  
I know its news to you  
  
Oh by the way, that's a nice zit  
  
You may not know this  
  
But I do  
  
And if I know something  
  
It's usually pretty hard to miss  
  
You Suck!!!  
  
:::::::  
  
Oh, my gosh. Life is _so_ good. Hermione is done with John Mayor. Guess what she said?  
  
She said he really wasn't that great in the first place!  
  
Oh... I love my life.  
  
Not only is Hermione all mine again (SCREW YOU, JOHN!!!), but the black in my hair is fading out too. And now that I have my girlfriend back, I don't need to spend my time on this girlish hobby of writing in my diary anymore. Oh, thank Merlin.  
  
One last song, just for the heck of it.  
  
BYE-BYE JOHN  
  
Did you really think  
  
You could beat me out  
  
You stupid fink  
  
Hello, you look like a bloody trout!  
  
So I just want to take some time  
  
To rub it in  
  
You were way out of line  
  
I got my girl in the end  
  
Bye-bye John  
  
I hope you die  
  
In a horrible accident  
  
And that's no lie  
  
Maybe you could sink  
  
To the bottom of the ocean  
  
That would be sufficient,  
  
Don't you think?  
  
Bye-bye John  
  
I hope you die  
  
In a horrible accident  
  
And that's no lie  
  
Or maybe you could fall  
  
Out of a building 40 feet high  
  
And go KERSPLAT!  
  
Like a stupid little house fly  
  
Bye-Bye John,  
  
You had your chance  
  
And now she's mine  
  
And you're long gone  
  
Yeah, you're long gone...  
  
Well, that's it. I wonder who Usher is. And why is Hermione so excited that her Mum just owled her a giant picture of him? Usher. Pah! What a stupid name.


End file.
